On a stormy Caribbean night in the abandoned Island Temple of a dead billionaire, Sen. Ted Cruz stands before an altar. It’s covered with small human skulls, chunks of bloody human flesh, jewels, and golden adornments. Ted is surrounded by a circle of black candles; between him and the altar a pentagram is drawn in salt on the ground with a pool of blood in the middle.
Lightning strikes and Ted raises his hands into the air releasing his dark prayer: “Mighty Stolas! Oh great prince of Hell, commander of 26 infernal legions, I summon you here tonight seeking counsel. I have spilled the blood and ravaged the innocence of these six virgins for your delight. I have dedicated my life to the burning of the black oil and sowing the seeds of man’s destruction. I have spread the bright darkness of our Master, so he may reign on Earth as he does in Hell. Hail the Great White Satan! Hail the mighty Prince Stolas! Hear the cry of your faithful servant!”
Ted falls to his knees and the room glows red. In the pentagram, a flash of fire and smoke announces the arrival of the Prince of Hell. He appears as a black owl wearing a crown, with unnaturally long legs. Standing in the pool of blood, he says in a soothing yet powerful voice, “I will hear thee, faithful servant. What dost thou desire?”
“Prince Stolas,” Ted beseeched. “I have been emasculated and humiliated by my fellow servant Donald Trump! He insulted me and my wife! I know he is Hell’s chosen messiah and Antichrist—I seek not to hex nor harm him in any way. But I have been a good servant and I’ve kept in line and followed orders. I only want you to give me back my manhood. Prince Stolas, I’ve been unable to grow a beard my entire life, a source of shame. I ask of you with your great knowledge of magical stones and herbs to cure my condition and restore my manhood! Hail Stolas! Hail Satan!”
Stolas flutters his wings and a bright red stone falls to the ground in front of him.
“My faithful servant, keep this stone close to you at all times and your beard shall grow thick and strong,” said Stolas. “No longer shall you be ridiculed as Lying Ted Cruz. My servant Trump shall now call you ‘Beautiful Ted,’ or perhaps ‘Texas Ted.’ As you desire, so shall it be.”
And so it came to pass that Ted Cruz’s beard grew full and true. A few months later, Trump announced in a television interview that he no longer called him “Lying Ted Cruz” and that now it was “Beautiful Ted,” or sometimes even “Texas Ted.” He also declared that “Ted is very smart.”